outsideinroads

Life games, music, magic and all the rest. Adventures of the fringe of the fringe amongst the.. "People's Republic of Brighton and Hove"


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Nyangara (for Kesh)

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What is magic? We used to meet in Owold, and we were in deep, forget-me-not-forever assisting each other, learning to process together in actions and energy sharing. Exploring territories that were unfathomable, discovering where the shared experience began and ended, dreaming together in separate dreams full of intersections. The dimensionality of imaginary space. A time of innocence, another childhood of experience in some ways, a peak experience too. The moment it happened, you said, the world you inhabited was completely destroyed, and all sense of you with it. As you emerged anew you saw how where we live is the universe contained in our own heads. You saw a web of meaning that stretched between us all and out to every being, “It’s freeing because the world isn’t fixed like it was” you told me, “and the world isn’t fixed for other people either. The world is in part a world you have control over building.” You laughed about a comedy show where a person given the chance to make endless virtual realities makes their own neurosis again and again “so.. there is that”. I laughed too, without ever having seen the show I knew the story, only too well. You were with us though, and we were with you, and together we were learning to look at things from new angles, we were playing, and the plasticine was reality itself, well, maybe.

Physical effects occurred too. The shaking, pains, heart bombardment. The shuddering energies that take over us and compel us in strange directions. Something snapped. Although I yearned more than I can say to do so from my space of all this, it was so hard to reach you. In fact I had no idea if that were possible, or how. Although so many of us were on this path before that moment, had experienced related things before… honestly, none of us fully understood what had been unleashed. I was unafraid, most of the time, but the fear was real and was out there, was in you. At times these processes would become cruel and intense. I would shudder and shake for hours, sometimes in agony, sometimes in ecstasy, find myself on spontaneous vision quests, become nothing, nothing, a tunnel of light. I would feel vast electrical energy ripped from me, through me, was ever sensitive to every strange fluctuation in the world as I encountered it, heard wings all around me and rolling through me, dissolving. I had no idea how to integrate some of this with the rest of it or with the other world, the familiar world. While I didn’t understand, I felt fairly able to navigate the space I found myself in, like it was my natural state. I was consistently told by my nearest imagination beings that this was the case. I don’t think it was so with you, and the space you were in. I checked these sensations with you, and with a few others, and some were the same, and some were very different. In my sensitive state when the shift happened the energy shaking off you felt so heavy, so drastic. I understood how, after a time, you seemed to react. For a while we grew distant and you seemed to avoid us. I did spells to help you find a way out of the mires. I tried to be there for you but I also kept my distance.

We took up playing mbira together, I after you. We explored together again. You came back, tentatively. You were, once again, so soft and silly and wise. Things were calmer, and we felt almost like veterans of some crazy battle, aware, underneath, that fighting could erupt again at any moment. Some of the spaces we explored then were so vast, so ultimate, so indescribable. We could come out of them collectively and smile, say “that was a deep one”…  humm a little. Giggle. Go back in. It was gentle and simple and amazing that it was available to us. We were gentle with it, as gentle as we could be. It was more than we would ever get to grips with or really know, and we were all very comfortable with that. When the tides turned yet again they turned for us all, but so heavily for you. The help you seeked backfired, it chased you out of this life, and it is so scary to say that because it feels like something one is not supposed to say. But it is so. Seeking help is a wonderful thing, but it is fraught, as everything, all healing is, with danger. Snakes are doctors, and doctors are snakes. Every human being knows that. Nyangara. Up on the mountain. May that snake be gentle with your spirit, heal the process that was you. Send you on your way with love.

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ecstatic dancing particular nothing

unstoppable beauty

these sounds

those ones

made from recordings –

sounds in

African mines.

Reenter instructions

to consider conditions

as the sounds do

their work.

Did you ever think how

so much music

is beautiful, broken,

all compelling rhythms of

work songs, passing down myths

to future

escape, to escape

     now, right now.

And these works

of transmutation, these get into sensation reminders,

what life is,

inside/outsides attempts

at escape through

with talons, machetes,

claws, fists, dance moves,

fizzing to…  <    >

pulses, living, stories, remembering,

wing movements, proboscis,

bells, drums,

changing

one elemental substance

into

another, a chain reaction

involving

whatever is to hand…

to work through

and not around…

And. Us. This. Now. Working in

Ineffable yearning life space,

dream

Call it strange, call it home

Make a world from it.

We tumbleweed into spirals of tickles and licks.

Your spines are gentle in my hands, not soft, no,

but never there to hurt me. You

could be a creature that comes to

live in this home, for a moment

bought and sold as a pet in my

Imagination – before I realise it’s you, again.

Tumble to our senseless senses in

flashes of light and spirals, bites, claws,

transformations – you spin into snake forms, you spin

Around my arm in serpentine dances,

You are so fast, so intense, so present. I fall into

flow space, I keep up, it’s easy. You

allow me to overtake so we oscillate,

you, me, you

waveform double helix,

and this is what energy is. Life is.

Energy is, as we dance and fall and

rise around each other, clattering exo-

skeleton on skin, slipping passages of air,

flutter,

ecstatic dancing particular nothing,

gentle animals in a strange bohemian apartment

formed of imagination,

formed of long, dry savannah grass.